For those of you that have never been laid off, there are stages you go through as you come to terms with losing your job. Not everyone goes through all of them, a few get their job back, but most of us pass from stage to stage until we land a new position.

Step One: I want my job back
This happens immediately after your boss lets you go. It’s characterized by bargaining. “Could I keep my job if you didn’t pay me?” This is a no win situation. The only thing worse than your boss saying no, is if he says yes. In the latter case you’re still in the same crummy job that you were just thinking of quitting last week, but this time with no pay.

Step Two: Maybe I can find another job just like my old one.
You start searching the postings. It normally takes you a few days to locate all the web boards that list jobs in your area. Then you search for another position, but one with EXACTLY the same title and description as your old one. This likely won’t work either because no two jobs are quite the same. The only exception might be if you find your old boss posting your old position again. It's usually not worth it to apply again. I mean he canned you once already.

Step Three: What can I get before I’m toast.
If you’re in a professional position, especially one with security clearance you are likely to get two weeks of severance pay. This means that you don’t, or in my case can’t, do any work, but you are still getting paid. The important thing is to remember that this usually means you are still on BENEFITS too. This is when you run out and refill all the prescriptions, get a dental cleaning, get new glasses, see if there’s anything the Doctor wants to do right now. Hey if it’s on the company nickel, it’s not like you owe them anything any more. Will they cover that breast enhancement? Go for it. (For the record I'm not.)

Step Four: Maybe I can find a better job than my old one.
This is where you start getting conniving. You tell you spouse that this is an opportunity. You could do a better job than your old boss so why not apply for jobs a level or three above where you had been. They’ll think you’re being ambitious and are becoming a real go-getter. We both know the actual reason. You figure that if you get a job at a higher level, in a couple of years when your old boss gets fired, he will be applying to YOU for a job. Then you can either toss him out on the street like he did to you or, better yet hire him and make his life a living hell like he did to you. Revenge is not something written on a resume but it’s never that far below the surface.

Step Five: Maybe I should do something else.
You’ve just realized that there aren’t any opening for what you were doing. Sorry but the one company that needed a Fungal Pipe Scraper just left town.Your choice is to move to Arempithare Bangladesh where they set up operations, or stay where you are and find a different job. That’s fine but remember that you have to phrase your work experience in such a way that it looks like it has something to do with the new job in a totally different industry. If your resume says 15 years experience pumping sewage, they’ll never talk to you. However, if it says 15 years experience in final stage food service and you might just get that job as a Chef.

Step Six: What the hell I’ll apply for it.
OK you’re desperate. Everyone in town knows you. Everyone in town knows why you’re out of a job. This is when you start playing the odds. Dell Computer is looking for a new Chief Financial Officer. You know nothing about it but you figure you could fake it for a few weeks or a month. At $50 million a year, even a week's pay would put you on easy street. It's not like an e-mail costs anything? This is also when you start thinking about other options, I mean it’s not like EVERYONE in the military is in Afghanistan, right? Chill, they don’t want you. They want young people that are in a lot better shape than you and with a lot less smarts than you have.

Step Seven: Do you want fries with that.

Doug & Marsha

Pix: Early morning at the beach: