Socks. You wouldn’t think that something as mundane as socks could cause an issue. Especially because I figured out how to solve this socks thing years ago. You see about thirty years ago I started buying the same white Hanes Crew Socks, ten to a package. Boring? Well yes but nobody sees my socks anyway. Best of all I never had the problem of mismatched socks. Every sock matches every other one. If I’m short one out of the dryer, no big deal. I set it to one side and the next batch I’ll come up with another one to make a pair. Similarly when one wore out, I’d just match it with another one that, for whatever reason was without a mate. This system has worked well for like thirty years. 

So it was with a good deal of surprise that I heard Marsha the other week commenting “You aren’t matching your socks right”. What? I have a pile of twenty-eight white crew socks, how could they be mismatched? Well it turns out that sometime in the last five years Hanes changed from a black thread close the toe to a red one. I wasn’t matching threads.

Really? Not only does nobody ever see my socks, I have shoes on at work and slippers on in the house. I get dressed and undressed in the dark. Literally nobody, even me, sees the toes of my socks. This is what has you in a knot? Really?

But then it’s been a weird week. 

We were driving along the highway and we saw a sign hanging from one of the overpasses. It was brightly coloured and said PROTEST MorVleg@&***. Well, I mean it said protest something, but we had a devil of a time trying to figure out what. On the way back from Rona there was another banner on the other side of the overpass that said PRA#$VLe GORMLOCKER. So we really don’t know what they were upset about. Maybe it was Protest Illiteracy. That would be ironic now wouldn’t it? The result is though, that I think a bunch of people will be gathering at Bowen Park next Saturday and every one of them will be there to protest something different. I can see Legalize Marijuana people alongside Gun Rights activists, next to Anti Vaccine people. And they’re all going to be wondering what everyone else is doing at THEIR protest. All because somebody flunked penmanship.

And those of you that know me will understand the irony of ME complaining about somebody else’s writing.

But anyway the reason we were going to Rona was that they had mulch on sale. You know mulch is a funny thing:

…and the lady said I thought you said mulch.
Henny Youngman, Fryers Club, 1956

No, not funny like that. I mean it’s weird. You see a few weeks ago we went to Rona and picked up a bunch of mulch. What IS a bunch of mulch called? It’s a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, and a murder of crows. A bunch of bags of mulch should be a… drudgery. Yes it’s a drudgery of mulch, not to be confused with the musical instrument from Australia, the Drugery Doo. 

But I digress.

Anyway we bought something like 10 bags of mulch. It was stacked a foot deep in the car, filling every inch from the back of the front seats to the hatch. Great we thought, this will be enough to cover everywhere we need to put down mulch. (I knew it was not enough-marsh) So last weekend Marsha went out and put it down. And after all that work I swear it barely covers an area in the garden the size of the back end of the car. Really. It’s an inch or two deep between the Japanese Maple and the dogwood. The bags covered more area than the mulch inside them. So what did we do? We went back this weekend and got 12 more bags. 

That’ll teach us to learn from our mistakes.

OK, but I tell you, there’s something strange going on up here. Something we are very disturbed by. Something that goes against nature, and against all that is right and holy. I don’t know if it has reached those of you in the states but it has infected Canada. Yes, I’m talking about waffle sandwiches. Somewhere, someone, probably in a drunken stupor after a night on the town had the bright idea of making sandwiches with Belgian Waffles. OK I know that doesn’t sound so bad. I mean jelly or even fruit might be kinda nice. But not hamburgers. Not fried chicken. Not poutine. Yes one of the ads appeared to offer poutine, french fries covered with gravy and cheese curds, as a sandwich between two Belgian Waffles. On what planet would french fries and gravy between two dry waffles be considered a balanced meal? Well, maybe as bar snacks.

I mean anything goes for bar snacks. Sure they SAY those are peanuts but how do you know? We were in line at PetSmart. We noticed that the guy ahead of us had a bunch of Whiskas wet cat food. I mean he had a shopping cart full of twelve pack displays of the little plastic tubs in assorted flavours. As he was unloading we noticed that on his T shirt it said O’Brian’s Pub so we asked if the pub had a cat. 

“No”, and then he went back to unloading. 

So now this makes me think about the next time I go out to a pub. Maybe I’ll skip the shrimp “dip” or the salmon “spread”. I’ll just stick with something I know that is good for me. Things like, well, um, I mean,…come to think of it there isn’t much at most bars that could be thought of as healthy. Maybe some nice cat food on a cracker IS the safest choice.

Thought for the week: You know this might just be the vodka talking but…..Wheee I’m made out of potatoes!

Doug & Marsha

PIX: Sunrise